Journal by a Transition House Women's Support Worker

Women's Support Workers are also referred to as front line workers.  This is because we work directly with individuals in need of advocacy and justice.  This work is on the front lines of the struggle against barriers experienced by some of the most marginalized people in our society.  It is passionate consuming work with profound rewards and difficult emotional stressors.  

Most of us are left at the end of the day with very little energy to think about issues of funding and the financial well being of the organizations we work for.  As a result we are particularly grateful when an organization, such as the Canadian Women's Foundation, takes on a fundraising campaign that raises money which we know will go directly to meet the needs of the women we serve.  

Today a community member made an anonymous donation.  It was just a small amount but the staff team immediately began discussing what we might put the money towards.  Despite the team's strong feelings that staff are inadequately compensated for the work we do, every suggestion put on the table was for something that would directly benefit the women we work with.  Just a small donation and our dedicated staff joyously directs it towards making a difference.  This is one of the profound rewards of the job that I wrote of earlier.  What a joy it is to witness so much passion to make a difference in a woman's life.

Fundraising is just one of the many essential levels of work that are needed in order to effectively do social change work.  Front line workers, legal aid workers, fundraisers, justice workers, volunteers, police, policy makers, lobbyists and many others make up the community of dedicated people who do anti-violence work in our communities, in our country and in our world.  Without them we would live in a world where there was much less hope and considerably more injustice.  These people need to be supported in their work and given the tools and funds to exceed at doing what they do best.  This means support at the financial but also the political level.  We need to be acknowledged and recognized as the essential services we are in order to end violence against women and children, violence in our communities and to create justice for the marginalized and the survivors.    

The normalization of violence

In the weeks after hip-hop artist Chris Brown allegedly beat and strangled singer Rihanna, a stomach-turning phenomenon happened across North America: acceptance. U.S. reports showed that in Boston, 46% of teens surveyed said that Rhianna was responsible for the violence, and 44% said that physical violence is a normal part of a relationship.
Wrong. Beating a girlfriend is not a normal part of a relationship and is never justified by the victims “provocation”. However teen dating abuse is on the rise and violence in teen relationships have become common.
What can we do to stop violence in the next generation? What can we do to stop the normalization of violence in youth culture?

Journal by a Transition House Women's Support Worker

Attached to the Transition House is a garage we call the Boutique. Over the years dedicated staff have transformed this garage into a miniature thrift store, full of clothing, bedding and household items. We have such a generous community, we receive more donations than we know what to do with and if it weren't for three amazing volunteers it would be just a jumble. But these three fabulous women keep the space organized and welcoming.

Sometimes the donations go to the Transition House itself. All our bedding, pots and pans, kitchen items and pretty much all of our furniture has been donated over the years. As a result the bedding can be a little oddball but like everything else we make it work. When making up a room for a new resident, it is my little habit to try to make the bedding and linens look like a four star hotel. I hope that when the women to walk into their room for the first time and see it looking clean and bright, it makes the whole experience a little less stressful. So I try to match up the bedding, folding blankets so the small hole or rips don't show, folding the towels the way they do in a spa, leaving a pair of slippers and colour coordinating it all. All I am missing is a mint on the pillow and flowers by the bed. It is a challenge, not much matches and lots of the linens are in rough shape but it is fun and it brightens my day to imagine the women feeling welcomed into the room that first time.

Staff do most of the cleaning at the house. We are working on fitting a cleaner into the very tight budget but it might be months or years till it can happen. We ask that women clean and encourage them to do so, most of the women are great about it, but keeping a large house with up to twelve people in it is a big job. Again it is an example of how just that little extra money can soften the corners and free up needed staff time for advocacy and counselling.

The boutique is even more useful for the residents. Often when they leave the abuser the women can take very little with them. The most dangerous time for a women in an abusive relationship is when she leaves; going back to get her things can be scary and impossible. Police will provide an escort but usually only for personal items. As well they can only stay until they get another call which often leaves a woman five to fifteen minutes to gather her things and/or her children's things. As a result, when the women find out about the Boutique they are delighted and once in the space the look on their face just brightens. For some women it means they will have a second pair of clothing to wear the next day.

British advert on domestic violence

Have you had the chance to watch actress Keira Knightley’s advert about domestic violence for the British charity Women’s Aid? It is a powerful two-minute video that portrays the actress's return home after a day's filming to be confronted and attacked by her violent partner, who slaps her to the ground before kicking her. The film ends with the message: "Isn't it time someone called 'Cut!'?” http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/video/Keira-Knightley-Domestic-Violent-Advert-Shocking-Commercial-Shows-Actress-Being-Beaten-Up/Video/200904115254535?lpos=video_Article_Related_Content_Region_1&lid=VIDEO_15254535_Keira_Knightley_Domestic_Violent_Advert%3A_Shocking_Commercial_Shows_Actress_Being_Beaten_Up

Clearcast, the organization that is responsible for approving ads for British television, has reportedly decided that the PSA is not suitable for television.

What is your response to this PSA? Is it effective? Does it make you want to support the organization?

Journal by a Transition House Women's Support Worker

I was just putting together a proposal for an awareness campaign I would like to hold for the first time in my community. It is called the Clothesline Project and I encourage anyone to check out what it is all about through the website www.clotheslineproject.org. The project raises awareness around violence against women and provides a healing experience for the women. Anyone can hold a Clothesline Project in their community, it doesn't require a lot of resource or funds and has a profound impact.

To prepare the proposal I had to put together some statistics. They still shock me and tears come to my eyes. I am reminded of the Robert Pickton trial, and the still unsolved attacks on BC's northern Highway of Tears: Highway 16 which runs from Prince Rupert to Prince George, where more than 32 aboriginal women have disappeared; some found murdered and assaulted.

I find myself quoting Statistics Canada, "Every minute of every day, a Canadian woman or child is being sexually assaulted". "One to two women are murdered by a current or former partner each week in Canada" and I am overcome with sadness. When you work in a Transition House these statistics have faces. They are mothers, daughters, children, sisters and grandmothers. They are the women I have tea with, chat with and sit with while they cry. The statistics represent people, with stories and hopes and dreams. They represent a little girl playing barbies on the carpet. They say that when this work stops breaking your heart is when it is time to stop doing it and so I am grateful for the emotion. I still feel driven to be a part of providing these women with safety.

It brings to mind a picture I saw in the newspaper yesterday. It was of one of our former residents, standing in a group, as a part of a volunteer program. I was overjoyed to see her and I stared at the picture for a long time. In her face, her clothes, her posture, I searched for clues, insights into her story. Trying to piece out how she might now be doing from this static image. I wondered is she well, is she safe, has she gone back to him or she on her own, is she lonely or is she building a life for herself out of the isolation he imposed on her? She was a woman who had lived in this small community all her life and yet lost contact with so many because of his terrifying violence and intimidation.

Her particular situation made it very difficult for her to be safe or to leave, her home of more then 20 years. A home she had herself bought and worked hard to pay the mortgage on, despite being a single mother. So while successfully raising her daughter to adulthood, by herself, she made every mortgage payment until twenty something years alter she owned her very own home. Her whole life is tied up in that house and yet, due to a short term - yet very violent relationship - she is no longer safe there.

Her ex-boyfriend is a frightening man. She is not the only women we have had seek safety from this particular abuser. Previously a police officer in another country, so trained with firearms, and viciously violent, we are frightened for her safety. Our service was essential for this particular woman. We worked with her and her post traumatic stress disorder and other trauma and tried to build her self esteem. I do believe she is doing well now. I do hope so, and I will always think of her when I remember how valuable the work we do is.

The price of silence

The month of April started with the news of yet another domestic murder-suicide in Calgary. A man stabbed his ex-partner to death in her bed, before jumping out of the window to his death. The woman was a well respected member of the local Sudanese community. Nobody seemed to know she was experiencing serious problems with her ex-partner.

In the past few years Discovery House has seen a large increase of immigrant and refugee women among its clients. Underemployment, lack of language skills, lack of awareness of services and laws that protect women and children, are factors that contribute to the vulnerability to abuse for immigrant women. To address this population’s specific issues, Discovery House’s Immigrant and Refugee Counsellor works with each individual client, weaving a network of support around her and her family.

Often immigrant women that are leaving their violent partners are shunned by their own community, and face a thick wall of silence and hostility. Silence is our worst enemy. Martin Luther King said “Our life begins to end the day we become silent about things that matter”. For some women, silence becomes a death sentence.

Is it the economy that makes them do it?

At Discovery House we have been carefully watching the steady stream of news reports that have been implying a correlation between the economic downturn and an increase in episodes of domestic violence (ie.: http://www.canada.com/news/Rising+domestic+violence+spotlight/1367081/story.html). We fear that the massive lay-offs, surge in unemployment rate, and overall anxiety over the future of our economy, will be used to justify abusive behavior in intimate relationships. Naomi Lakritz illustrates the point very poignantly in her article “It’s not the economy that makes them do it” published on the Calgary Herald on April 17, 2009 http://www.calgaryherald.com/economy+that+makes+them/1506207/story.html Alberta has been in the midst of a huge boom for the past few years, while also registering the highest rate of domestic violence in all of Canada. Do you believe there is a relationship between domestic violence and the downturn in the economy? We don’t. We believe that, as the world economy plunges deeper in its financial crisis, it will be even harder for women to find a way to support themselves and their children while moving out of an abusive relationship. We don’t believe that financial hardships justify abuse. We do not justify abuse.

Journal by a Transition House Women's Support Worker

On tonight's shift things were mostly quiet. We recently had a number of women leave and it is the quiet lull before the next bunch of new intakes. It is nice to know we finally have some beds available as we have been full and turning women away for a couple of months now. It is great that we can bring in the next few women who call as when we are full the nearest other Transition House is more than two hours away.

We always go out in the community to connect with possible intakes before bringing them into the house. The issues of abuse, mental health and addiction have become so intertwined that we have to have a good sense of how well a woman is functioning before we admit her. We operate from a low barrier approach often also referred to as harm reduction.

If a woman has an active addiction we will still provide her with bed so long as her addiction does not interfere with her stay. In actuality addiction is not so tidy as that and we often have to manage the issues that arise as a result of what addiction really looks like. The same for women with mental health issues. We will provide them with a bed so long as they are able to cope living communally in the house. Again the reality is often different than the policy but we always manage with flexibility and compassion.

Then you add to the picture, that in small communities like mine, there are few services and essentially no shelters. As a result the Transition House ends up taking a lot of women that a Transition House in the city wouldn't. We end up having a very wide definition of needing safety in order to accommodate women who will otherwise be on the street for the night. This means we are underfunded for the kinds of resources needed when clients have such extensive multiple barriers rather than when they are only dealing with fleeing abuse. Still, however most of our women are fleeing abuse, both physical and emotional.

Imagine only one staff on during the day, responsible for seven to ten women and children - all in need of housing, supports, counselling, legal advice and advocacy. We work hard to make sure no one falls through the cracks but at the end of the day it just isn't adequate and it is the women and children who suffer.

Children at our shelter

I dropped in to the shelter early this morning to tie up some loose ends before my days off. I had been talking this week to a couple of Moms about whether some of their children’s artwork could be used in a fund-raising project (a calendar) and I wanted to make sure they understood the public exposure this would create for them, to get the releases signed by the Moms, and to choose which pictures might be suitable. I looked through the house for Mom L and found her, in the kitchen, looking a bit frazzled. She’s had so much to do in the past week, as she gets ready to move on. She’s had to have her social assistance cheque re-issued, as the worker sent it to an address that Mom L cannot access. This delayed her move by a number of days. With 3 small children in tow, she’s collected used furniture from various donors in the community, as well as from the local furniture bank. Her only new furniture is beds for herself and her three children, which required that she travel twice to the local big box store to price bunk beds (a good choice, as when her children are older, she can stack the beds, saving space in an otherwise small apartment) and then return to the shelter to fax the information to her social assistance worker.

She has also been in touch with our Household Coordinator about the many kitchen, laundry, bathroom and bedroom items she will need to start up again. When I think about how it must be to start again from scratch, I marvel at how much organizing it takes for our women to set up a new household. She’ll also qualify for two boxes of food from the Food Bank, to supplement the meager amount of social assistance she receives. I won’t see her again before she moves (during my days off) so we give each other a hug, and I remind her she can call me any time for support.

I admire the painting I have from her oldest, a preschooler: it’s so full of colour, all mixed together. He has been building house after house from Lego in our playroom. This is a common activity for children who are in transition from one home to another. He doesn’t really pretend to “live” in the Lego houses (maybe that would come later, once his own new housing is settled and he feels at home there), but he loves the task of building them, usually requesting lots of help from us. He’s also a “fixer” and a problem-solver, who loves to watch and preferably help anyone in the shelter who’s there to repair our century-old building. Last week he was the chief sweeper after the dining room ceiling had been replaced (too many overflowing toilets and showers from the bathroom above), and the (female) carpenter appreciated his help.

I look at the second set of pictures, from a younger child, and I smile at the stick figures of “Mummy & me” that he drew. When he first came in he wasn’t drawing people, just circles, and now he’s adding dots (eyes, nose) and lines (mouth, arms legs) and the occasional small circles (earrings), and declaring who those people are. He drew one picture last week on both sides of a sheet of paper, with all sorts of people who are in his life now: Mummy, Daddy, himself, two of my colleagues, me, two other children from the playroom, and another Mom who has a small baby in the shelter. I wonder if that day we were the people who he considered his “community”, or just the ones close at hand (he was about to visit his Dad, and was talking about that all morning). I don’t know, but I hope that the safe, child-centred support we’ve offered him in our playroom sessions will be an experience that builds his sense of being precious and worthy of love and respect. He will likely still be there next week when I return to work, since his Mom has a number of legal questions she has to pursue before she can safely move on and be settled in her new place.

Journal by a Women's Transition House Support Worker

Easter weekend just passed and the women celebrated with a big, home-cooked turkey dinner. Everyone was in the kitchen all at once, helping out and everybody ate together; the little ones in high chairs. We have a dining room table that seats eight: I love to see it full with women connecting, laughing and befriending one another. Many of the mothers at that Easter dinner had been given more than one extension. We emphasize that we are a program with a thirty-day stay. At the end of thirty days the woman is supposed to be prepared to leave but so often there is nowhere for her to go.

High rents and the rental housing shortage, low welfare and disability rates, the low minimum wage, and a lack of daycare and childcare create so few choices for single moms. When you combine that with the many issues faced by women with histories of abuse you come up with a pretty bleak picture. So often at the end of a thirty-day stay we find ourselves giving women extensions. We are faced with asking a woman to be homeless with her children or letting her stay on just a little longer.

So this weekend we had a few moms and little ones staying on just a little longer. It is so hopeful for them to have the support and company around the holiday. Holidays can be the hardest time for women fleeing abuse. It can be so lonely: many women don't have family they can connect with during holidays and so they find themselves pulled back to the abuser. Support at this time can be crucial to keeping women safe from abuse.

For one of the Moms it is probably her seventh stay with us. Something has shifted and it seems she is ready. She wants to file for a protective order for her and her child, go into treatment for her marijuana addiction and press charges. Her daughter has been staying with her sister since the relationship became out of control. But daughter is with Mom now, with us at the Transition House and doing well. Mom is moving on, we just had to patient with her and be there with support every time.

snapshots......

I have been working in women's shelters now for 16 years. I have seen alot and experienced alot. I would like to share a few snapshots of over the years.....

- One day a five year old little girl asked me "Can you tell me why my daddy's an angel on the outside of my house and a devil on the inside of my house?"

- One night while doing a group meeting on types of abuse, I was asking women to brain storm different forms of physical abuse. From the corner, in a small voice we all heard "is using a cow prod on you, physical abuse?"

- I was stopped in the grocery store by an ex-resident, who said to me that she will never forget me. I thought to myself....wow - I must have really had an impressive counselling session with her. :) She then went on to tell me why. She had five children in the shelter with her and was run ragged all the time. She said that one night, she went to bed exhausted, unable to complete her mountain of laundry. When she woke up in the morning, all her laundry was done and folded. I had never given it another thought. To me it meant nothing - to her it meant much more. Now I try to pay more attention to the "little things".

- I had met a certain woman in my first few years of working in the shelter. She shared alot with me, there are no words to describe the horrors she had survived from the age of four to adulthood. I remember thinking how could someone live through all of this? I watched her as she began to recognize the lies she had been told, and watched as her eyes began to fill with light as she started to take hold of her worth. A couple years later, she called the shelter and I answered the phone. She told me with great pride in her voice, that she had enrolled in a counselling course. She said that she wanted to use her past to help reach others who were hurting. I know it's not professional to cry on the job.......but a few tears escaped that day.

Sometimes when I tell people that I work in a shelter for abused women, they reply with "Aww those poor women, they must be so fragile". I always respond with "No, actually they are some of the strongest people I know. - these are people who will love through any circumstance, who are fiercely loyal, and have some of the greatest survival instincts I have seen.", and once they turn these wonderful qualities inward and start loving themselves more, they rise up out of the muck and mire to blossom just like a lotus.

Kathleen
Women's Counsellor

"Court Case" - Daily journal by Lynne

Thirty five years ago she was molested by him.

“Mary” has been coming to us for counselling for about 5 years now and we knew the trial was going to be tough. Just before the case went to trial his lawyer applied for a “third party record” application meaning that her counselling records (and anything else he deemed relevant) would be handed to the Defence if the application was successful.

STRESS. Talk about stress—this was worse than her anticipation of trial–worse than being questioned by a lawyer. Her inner most thoughts—notes our counsellors took from conversations with her would be turned over. Mary was in crisis. We hired a lawyer to protect the file and WE WON!!! The records were not turned over. Talk about relief. Mary felt our resounding support. We all breathed a sigh of relief. This is sometimes a strategy used by defense to intimidate and discredit victims—it was certainly the tactic employed in this case.

Incidentally—he plead guilty. Guilty….he admitted it. After 35 years it was ‘done’. Well—this part was done….sort of. She is still committed to counselling. What was done to her as a child changed and shaped her entire life and her entire world. Even after the court case was won—she still feels the same—perhaps more validated. Mary read her victim impact statement out in court. She had her ‘moment’ in court. It was tough but she managed.

Lynne
Executive Director

"Addiction" - Daily journal by Lynne

Not all stories have a happy ending. We see our fair shares of ups and downs with the women in the shelter and counselling programs.

Recently we saw a woman’s name in the paper—charged with possession, intent to distribute and a bunch of other drug related charges. She had thousands of dollars of illegal drugs in her apartment. We were sad to read about this.

About two years ago “Tanya” stayed with us and she stayed in touch after she left. She is tall and lovely and is one of those women who will endear herself to you. Tanya has a kind soul—a bit of a lost one at times but definitely kind. During her time with us she was in recovery and on her way back to her life. She had regained custody of her kids, landed a great job and we all had hope for her—she sure deserved something good in her life.

Little by little things started to crumble. It started with a bit of partying. She started hanging out with her ‘old crowd’ again and in the last two years things have spiraled downward. Tanya hasn’t been in touch with us lately. We know her kids are no longer with her and she is back into the drugs. She truly battles her addictions. Right now—her ending seems a bit gloomy but things can change. Leaving the addiction is like leaving an abusive partner—it doesn’t always work the first time (or sometimes the second, third or forth time) but if people are there waiting to support you—one of these times it can change.

Come on back Tanya—we’re here.

Lynne
Executive Director

"Make and Take" - Daily journal by Lynne

What could our shelter do with a $50,000 donation?

There are many issues facing women who are leaving or who have left abusive relationships. One that we identified and consider to be a major issue is that of food. We ‘appear’ to have so much access to food both quantity and variety—but for many people who are financially disadvantaged food is a big issue. What should I buy? What can I afford? Then there is the added pressure of following some sort of health guideline.

Last year out of the blue someone called our shelter. He was originally from our area in Northern Ontario and he and his wife wanted to donate a ‘significant’ amount to our shelter. I never dreamed that ‘significant’ meant $50,000—in fact—I thought it was a joke but when that cheque arrived I knew it was no laughing matter. On the spot— the couple quizzed me about what we would do with that sort of donation. I spoke about public awareness, resources for the shelter and then we chatted about the issue of food—from buying to preparation to access. I talked to them about a vision I had for a program. They were intrigued.

One year later a program has been developed called, “Make and Take”. We have a huge area to cover so in three different locations in our District the program is running for 8 weeks. Week one started last week. Each week is dedicated to a theme. The women will gain knowledge and bring their own ideas to contribute to this group and will take the prepared food home with them.

The vision is fairly simple: share, learn and leave with a meal! We hope this helps—even for a short time.

This donation has really changed life for us in a very positive way—I don’t think this couple will ever know what a huge impact their generosity made on the lives of so many women.

Lynne
Executive Director

Daily journal by Lynne

Our shelter is located in what others may describe as “the middle of nowhere”. We serve a huge geographical area and the next shelter to us is over an hour and a half away. Along with fear, shame and guilt geography tends to be yet another barrier women face in remote areas. These barriers make leaving an abusive relationship so difficult for women.

Many people ask, ‘why does she stay’? I guess we (as service providers and women) are more interested in ‘why is the abuser still abusive’? In any relationship power is shared in different areas of that relationship. In an unhealthy or abusive relationship there is no sharing of power—it’s all held by one person. Over time women who stay in abusive relationships (out of fear, shame, guilt and hope) become a shell of their former self. Slowly—the very person she was is now just a memory. We hear a lot of women talk about who they were prior to the relationship. These memories provide hope that she can one day get back to being that person she remembers.

We are here to support women in their journey and we want to foster hope for those women. Too often we hear in the news that yet another ‘domestic’ ended up in homicide. Our goal is to provide women with resources, support and hope. Hope is something you can get when you feel safe and when you trust others and when you can see that there is a future. Women’s shelters all over Canada are doing some amazing work with women and their children. We feel privileged to serve in this field.

Over the next month this blog will reflect or at least provide a glimpse of what life is like within our shelter. We offer emergency shelter as well as outreach; community based counselling services & groups. The women we meet are amazing. Their courage and tenacity inspires us all and will hopefully inspire you.

Lynne
Executive Director

I just got off the phone with my coworker. It is my day off but I am happy to support her, we talked for about half an hour. A woman has left. We don't know why, or where she has gone, or if we will ever see her again. She was there one day and then the next day we knocked on her bedroom door but go no answer, worried and anxious we realized something was wrong. Some of the women come in with such difficult stories. When we realize we haven't seen a woman in more than twelve hours we knock on her door to check if she is alright. Each time, for a split second I am afraid - is she ill, has she overdosed, and worst of all, has she taken her life? I sigh with relief every time, to find out it is not the case.

This time it seems she has just decided to pack her things and leave. Hopefully she is well somewhere else. Hopefully she will call, let us know where she is and how she is doing but often this is not the case. It happens often that we lose women. Lose them to abuse, to mental health, to addictions, to poverty. Sometimes they reappear, they come back to the service, to the support, when they again find they need it most. At other times we never now what happens to them and we only hope for the best. Other times we hear the worst.

With infrequent staff meetings, no crossover and little built in staff supports we rely a lot on the support the staff gives each other on our own time. With confidentiality being so strict there is often no one else to talk to and the women's stories can be a lot to carry home with you, but luckily we all care about each other a lot and always make the effort. We run the house with bare minimum funding. It would make such a difference in the work to have the money to soften the corners, create a little more room for extra child and youth hours, extra support services, outreach hours and staff support. But we don't come to work for the money, so we just keep working with what we have.

In a seventy two hour period I have tackled issues of sexual abuse, physical abuse, child abuse, mental health, homelessness, animal abuse, self mutilation, addiction, rape, anorexia and bulimia and post traumatic stress disorder. Without the Transition House where would women turn to find what they need in order to survive each day while coping with these issues. I am reminded of how essential it is that we are here.

The house is full of laughter, cooking, and baking but I know that were it not for the service, there are three women in the house right now who might not be alive. The mental health issues they struggle with are overwhelming. And for one of the women the trauma she has suffered speaks of a lifetime of horror stories none of us would want to know. I worked the evening last night and stayed an hour late. I needed to process a few things with my coworker. Again we create support for one another through our own time. The last call of the night was a crisis call. It took everything out of me but it also left me with a sense of the incredible hope and opportunity for wisdom and growth that can arise out of the darkest places.

Early in the night, sitting around the coffee table, we shared stories of resistance. The conversations that occur while the TV prattles on in the background can be profound and this is what carries me through. Where such earnest struggle is found there must be hope.